Sawyer Sundays: Sleep Edition

Sawyer continues to be the most precious thing in the universe. LOL. He’s a wiggle worm and is trying his best to be a big boy who crawls & sits up to play by himself. Here are some of the shots from the week…

AND a cute lil’ video of him playing with a “new” toy. By “new”, I mean it was given to us by our neighbor a while back but lazy me just got around to cleaning it so he can play with it. He absolutely LOVES it. He can play with it while standing, sitting, or on his belly. At the end of the video he makes a really cute face

In his world of food this week, he tried sweet potatoes and peaches. Both are apparently mind blowingly yummilicious to him. He loves them. He still hates apples, pears, green beans, and peas

Now for that previously promised sleep update, which is really the biggest happening in Sawyer’s week. For starters, let’s talk about crazy people. The world “takes all kinds” I often say, in an effort to not be negative all the time. Some of those “kinds” are the ones that think they’re opinions/beliefs are the absolute right, the truth, the only way, etc. This can be about pretty much anything, but typically I would first think of religion and politics. That was until I became a mother, actually when I became some one thinking of becoming a mother. I was quickly amazed at how strongly other people feel about each and every child rearing & pregnancy moment. This has led to labels like “breastfeeding Nazis” in reference to groups like Le Leche League. While I think breastfeeding is important, natural, dare I say best, I would never put someone in a gas chamber because they gave their child formula. I’m pretty sure nobody with LLL would consider that. I could be wrong because I know I’ve heard/read the tern “neglect” used about mothers who don’t try to breastfeed. Anyway, I’m way off topic just to make the point that people can be really close minded and judgmental about many sensitive subjects. I’ve learned that how you’re child sleeps is one of them.

Of course it’s not like I’ve been harassed or anything. I’m referring to both my personal experiences, like making the mistake of putting
something on Facebook that led to comments that made me doubt myself & cry during a time when I was sleep deprived & unsure & upset already …to the looks on the faces of people when I say we co-sleep… but also referring to online sources and parents’ message boards that I sought for help. For 6 months I have felt guilty for co-sleeping and guilty for feeling guilty and more guilty for trying to get Sawyer in his crib and letting him cry for 5 minutes despite the fact that he would scream for 30 minutes in my arms as I rocked him to sleep.

Until a week ago, we were co-sleeping and here is how that happened…
Fact: our son has been a difficult, high need baby from day 1. He threw such a fit in the nursery that they didn’t even attempt bathing him for several hours after he hyperventilated, had to be given oxygen twice, and the NICU team was called in to assess him. The kid has a temper and a serious ability to throw a fit. This fact pretty much dictated everything we did as parents. Our new doctor told me at his 6 month check-up that he’ll continue to throw fits as a toddler and that we cant change how we parent because of it. Well no kidding. Thanks for that enlightenment, but I’m talking about a brand new infant. Hours earlier he was a fetus. Now he’s in the world with a heartbreaking wound on his head from the vacuum, and if anyone thinks I should have let him throw a fit like a toddler you’re nuts.

So we did our best to make our son feel safe, happy, and loved. Despite our continued efforts to teach him to sleep alone, he wasn’t
having it. Crib or swing – NO!. The bouncy seat we ran out & bought just to help him sleep – NO. Under the mobile which I was opposed to because I didn’t want more flashy light gadgets which I fear will cause ADHD but bought just to help him sleep – NO. See, these pics are all from his first month home when we really tried everything..

Let’s no forget the collic, which also increased the amount of time he was held and I think made matters worse. He wanted to be held. So I did that. I held him, with my arms propped up by pillows that I could not move or drop him. I slowly progressed to having him next to me in the bed, but we had to be touching for him to sleep. This let us both get some sleep early on. We had some early success of him sleeping 4-6 hours at a time. Life was good and I hailed co-sleeping as natural and great, despite the fact that Sawyer couldn’t nap and it was a screaming battle every time he tried to fall asleep. His naps were minimal unless he was being held and he would typically have a “meltdown” while we tried rocking him to sleep. In general, he just seemed unable to stay asleep for very long. So we might “battle” for 30 minutes, and then he would wake up 15 minutes later. Then we hit 5 months. I’m not sure why things changed at that point, but nights became misery too. He was restless and waking every 2-3 hours MINIMUM. He would only go back to sleep if he nursed. Since that point, I have been exhausted and frustrated way too often. My day ends at
his bedtime, which often would be 6pm because he was so tired from not napping. I would sit and hold him on the couch all evening. Dan would cook & serve me dinner. I would try to put Sawyer down several times every evening. In the early months, he would sleep in his bouncy seat for an hour or so at a time. Then I began putting him on the couch, determined to teach him to sleep laying down without vibrating, bouncing, or rocking.

The amazing thing… he actually slept well on the couch. Better at least. He would sleep flat on his back for 2-3 hours, not touching me. This is when I knew. We had to stop co-sleeping and battling to get him to sleep. I decided we would do the Feber Cry It Out (CIO) method when Sawyer turned 6 months old. BUT then with just a week or two before that date I began putting him in his crib at night instead of the couch. And he slept there. He had never ever slept in crib. My mom began putting him in the crib on his belly for naps (since he would roll onto it anyway), and he began taking 2-3 hour naps every day. My child napping for 2-3 hours?! I was shocked, but so pleased and hopeful that we wouldn’t have to do CIO. I had serious doubts that I could actually listen to him crying for me, and kept saying I didn’t think I could do it. It was such a relief to finally see progress and not have to do CIO.

He turned 6 months old on Monday June 28th. Wednesday June 30th, he would not sleep in his crib or the couch. Thurs, same thing. We battled again. He cried, I rocked & paced the house singing songs to him. Friday July 2nd, I put him in his crib and he woke up 20 minutes later. I picked him up, got him back to sleep, put him back in the crib, and 25 minutes later he was awake.

Done. I would not watch my child cry and be miserable any longer. For months, I’ve had to look at his sad eyes with dark circles and bags under them. I’ve listened to him scream too many times. I’ve cried too many times. I’ve became frustrated with him and my feeling of failure too many times.

10 pm on that Friday night I started CIO. He was asleep in his crib after 15 minutes. 15. That was less than it took me to rock him to sleep at the start of the night. He woke up 45 minutes later. The 2nd round was more difficult, with him going from hard crying to calmer fussing & me being in his room… well half in his crib with the way I lean over to console him… but he was back to sleep by a few minutes after midnight. He stayed asleep for 4 hours.

We’re now on Night #7 of CIO and it still isn’t easy, but overall I sing its praises. Last night Sawyer was awake 3 times, but otherwise he has been awake only once each night… and one night he even slept through. Since that first night, it has never taken more than 15 minutes of crying. Last night it was only 2 minutes. 2 or 15 minutes, it still is misery listening to him. He doesn’t fuss, he screams. When I go in to calm him after 5 minutes, he looks directly in my eyes and it is heart breaking. I know he wants me. I know I am his comfort and I can’t tell you how much I miss that. I haven’t slept well all week and am actually more tired than before. I still feel like a horrible mother even though I know I’ve finally done the best thing for him. He wakes up so happy and is pleasant pretty much all day. He hasn’t cried falling asleep for naps. The way I see it is, this is my job as a his parent. If a child wanted to drink Mt. Dew and eat candy for every meal, a good parent would not let him no matter how much he pleaded. This is the same thing. He wants to sleep in my arms, but I know it isn’t healthy for him. He needs sleep. His brain needs sleep.

Shh, he’s asleep in his crib as I type so I’ll just whisper this last part… you can think I’m Hitler for all I care, as long as my baby Sawyer is getting healthy amounts of sleep.

Seriously though. I’m not at all bashing co-sleeping. Trust me, I loved it when it was working. I know that our child is only a child for a so long, and that our time to share that closeness and bond is short in the grand scheme of things. My favorite time of day was when Sawyer would wake up and see me. It was like he didn’t realize I was the one holding him all night, because he would light up and smile the biggest smile. We would cuddle and nurse, and it was really wonderful. I wish we could have that and sleep, but unfortunately it wasn’t working for us. He is still waking up around daylight, as always, and I get him in bed with me then to sleep some more & nurse. So we kind of have that time still, but it isn’t the same.